Duct Tape & WD-40

My Physical Deformity

Two posts in one week! I must be brain damaged.

Last week Luke asked me how babies get out of a mommy's tummy. It was late and I was trying to get him in bed. So, I told him that we would talk about it later. Later came the next day when he asked again.

I wanted to say, "Well you know when the magician takes a quarter from behind your ear ..." But, I know the so-called professionals say to tell the truth. So, I looked him in the eye and said, "Well, honey, the baby comes out of a hole that the mommy has called a vagina." and quickly ran from the room.

He followed closely behind.

"A hole where?? Like your bellybutton?" he asked.

"No, sweetheart, a hole in my private parts near where I go pee-pee." The confusion on his face told me the answer I was going to have to give.

"You know, girls don't have pee-pees like boys." Confusion and horror. I know he was thinking, she must not know what she is talking about because that is the craziest thing I have ever heard come out of her mouth.

"You don't have one of these?" he asks pulling down his pants.

"No, baby, girl's private parts are on the inside." Really, how would you have explained it???

"Can I see?" he asks.

"No, private parts are private." with that, I shut the bathroom door and hid in there for about 10 minutes.

Fast forward to the next evening when we are all at Perkins eating dinner. The restaurant is rather quiet. We are also quiet because we had just gotten our food. Out of nowhere, Lukie yells,

"Mommy doesn't have a pee-pee!"

My drink came out of my nose. I started laughing uncontrollably into my napkin. Apparently Lukie thinks that I am the only person without a pee-pee. Like I am somehow physically deformed. This is all that he got from our conversation. Suddenly, I am left to wonder how many people Luke has told.

All three boys are saying "OOOOOO" and Gary is trying to regain control of the table. I ended it by saying in my most serious mommy voice, "this is not appropriate conversation for the dinner table." But I still haven't explained to Luke that ALL girl do not have pee-pees.

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I promised pics of my horribly bruised leg, so here they are. The first one was taken about four days ago.

This next one was taken today. It is actually looking worse, but I can tell in some places it is getting better.

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Here is a link to the Dooce website. Her entry today is about the new IKEA that is opening up near her. I am posting the link because it says almost exactly how I feel about the new IKEA that we are getting in Orlando. Last time I checked, the walls were up!

Oh, Pain!

I don't know if the pain is getting worse or just wearing me down, but I can only make it until about 4:00 p.m. everyday, then I have to take my pain medication.  I got my hair done today and it hurt so bad.  I didn't say anything because it is not like Ann (my hair miracle worker) was doing anything out of the ordinary.  But the act of blow-drying my hair almost had me in tears.  I asked her if my head looked bruised or anything.  She said I have too much hair to tell.

I saw Dr. Goodlooking on Tuesday.  I wore my new, green Juicy terrycloth shorts and jacket.  I also wore make-up....shhh!  Dr. Goodlooking said I looked hot.  Just kidding, but I know he thought it.  Not really.

Dr. Goodlooking treats prisoners from the Department of Corrections.  That's right, he's a prison doctor!  Anyway, Tuesday must have been a tough day in the yard because there were three DOC vans in the parking lot.  I was a little intimidated when I got out of my car.  But, it led to this fantasy....

I am in my examining room waiting for Dr. Goodlooking when a big, bad criminal bursts in the door.  He grabs me by the neck and says, "Take me to your minivan or I will kill you."

"How did you know I drive a minivan?"  I ask, tears stinging my eyes.  "Is it because I am overweight?  Do I look like I have three kids?  I know it is not my hairstyle."

"It is the only other car in the parking lot.  Now let's go!"

"I have to get my keys.  I can't carry them in my pockets anymore because my shorts are too tight.  I have gained weight, mostly in my thighs.  I just can't seem to stay on a diet long enough to loose it and"

"Shut up! Shut up! You @#!?! Get the keys."  he yells.

I get my keys, careful to leave my purse.  No way am I going to let this criminal get his hands on my new Cole Haan that I just got on sale with the gift card that I got for Christmas.  Also, my wallet is worth more than the money that is in it.

Prisonman pulls me by the head toward the door.  I start to complain that my hands are numb again. Just then, Dr. Goodlooking jumps him from behind.

"You're not taking my favorite patient!" he yells.

I take the opportunity to spin out of the criminal's grasp.  I deliver a good strong kick to his groin with my good knee (although at the moment it is also in alot of pain).  When the bad guy doubles over in pain, Dr. Goodlooking grabs his shoulder and gives him the Vulcan grip.  The man falls to the floor, motionless.

As the no-good corrections officers who let the guy escape in the first place take him back into custody, Dr. Goodlooking gathers me in his arms.

"You saved my life." I say gazing into his eyes.

"No," he replies "You saved this entire office.  I always admired you as a strong, self sufficient woman.  And even though you take a fist full of anti-crazy pill everyday, you are the best mother I have ever known.  And you are an awesome tennis player."

"But, do you think I am hot?" I ask dazed by the throbbing pain in my neck, head, shoulders and knee.

"White hot."  he answers tossing his long hair.

Fade to black

What really happened is Dr. Goodlooking ordered two MRIs - one for my neck and one for my left knee (not my bad knee, my good knee that was banged on the dashboard during the accident).  I have a pic of the bruise that goes all the way down my left leg that I will post soon.  I had the MRI on Thursday and I see Dr. Goodlooking again this Thursday.

I don't know what I am going to wear yet.  But thank goodness I finally got my hair did today.  I no longer have those dark trailer-trash roots that I am sure he noticed.

Crunch

So most of you dear readers know about my Mothers Day mishap. I got rear-ended (insert dirty joke here) on the 408 expressway on the way home from the airport. Thankfully, no broken bones, but I may be looking at some neck injuries. I have a bruised bone in my left leg.

So, that has been taking up most of my time. Dr. visits, insurance stuff, MRIs. The good thing about this whole thing - you guessed it - I get to see Dr. Goodlooking. I told Gary that I was going to go in my sweat pants with my greasy hair in a pony tail, but of course I was just kidding. I HAVE to look good for Dr. Goodlooking no matter how much pain I am in!

I took lots of pictures in Novi so that I can somewhat explain what I am doing during these scrapbook shows. I will try to post them soon.

Moving Right Along

An update on the little things in life.

Headed off to Novi, Michigan tomorrow to work the Great Lakes Mega Meet for Advantus. You know, doing the same thing I did at the Orlando Scrapbook Expo in March. This one is a day longer. I hope this old body can take it.

I've never been to Michigan. I checked out the weather. Highs in the 60, lows in the 40s. I'm sure those frosty Northerners think it is Spring, but let me assure you that it is not. That is still cold, I tell you.

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Gary thinks that picking out an oufit and wearing makeup for an appointment with Dr. Goodlooking is inappropriate. Claims that he has never gone out of his way to flirt with anyone. Help me out here girls. I am married - not dead. A thrilling flirt is okay as long as that is where it stays. I mean, if I was making appointments just to see him or having lunch with him or making him breakfast in bed - highly inappropriate. But breaking Lukie's arm because I haven't seen him in a while is completely understandable.

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Sold some old Creative Memories stuff on eBay and made about $160. Sweet!

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This is my last post for a week unless I can find some free internet access in Novi. Do they have the internet that far North?? I'll be back with lots of cool stories. In the mean time, if you miss me too much, check out Dooce who has a similar sense of humor.