Or Maybe I'm Just Hormonal

While in London, I indulged my obsession with paper, patterns, print and words by stopping by a card shop at the Kensington High Street tube station. I was looking for anything that caught my eye or seemed particularly English (that's for you, Mark).  How could I pass this one up? I also collected another one that said "So You Are Leaving? Well Piss Off Then" and another that simply said "Shit."

So that is the humorous part of this post. The rest is going down hill, so you might just want to click away.

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I can finally say that I am seeing some light, but I am still so very sad. I am having such a hard time readjusting to life post-London. I started organizing the video I took over there and I had to stop because it made me cry. I didn't really expect this. Like I said in my last post, I'm trying to process and reconcile it all.

I'm sad because being away made me realize how miserable I am in my life right now. Okay, "miserable" is too strong a word. How about unhappy?

Remember last year when my "one little word" was BLOOM, as in bloom where you are planted?  That was so on target for me. I have made choices in my life that caused me to be planted in my current situation. I have so little patience for people who sit around and say "life is awful" but won't do anything to change it. If I have planted myself here, then I will do what it takes to be happy and satisfied here. I choose to bloom.

But being in London, having that all too brief taste of freedom and fun, reminded me that I don't like where I am planted and I am forcing myself to bloom.

Now I overanalyze a lot. I promise you that I look at everything six ways to Sunday.  I am well aware that my time in London is not what real life would be like if I lived there and didn't have a husband and kids. My trip was a fairytale where I was treated like a princess. I did whatever I wanted. I indulged in everything. I spent loads of money. I am not silly enough to think that that could continue.

But the contrast between that and my life here is causing a lot of pain at the moment. I love my husband. I love my children. That is why I came back. I have committed to them and I will not let them down. I will not run away. I will not leave them. I will not give up on them or my life. I will continue to give them my very, very best.

But, oh God, I hate the crushing responsibility of it all. I hate consulting and considering four other people when making decisions. I hate making decisions! I hate putting everything and everybody's needs ahead of my own. I hate wondering "What if?" I hate Orlando. I hate making lunches and dinner. I hate helping with homework. I hate watching Cole struggle and witnessing his pain. I hate making the best of a bad situation. I hate blooming!

I've got to pull it all back together and squash this rebellion in me. My situation will not change for at least another ten years. And who knows how much it will change then? Actually, I don't want it to change because that would mean a life without Gary or my kids and I DON'T WANT THAT. I've just got to get used to it again.

I wonder if it is kind of like a solider at war who has gotten a furlough to come home for a week. Home is great. People are happy to see him. Special parties are given for him. He gets to eat home cooking and all his favorite foods. He gets spend time with the people that he loves - people that he misses so much when he is gone. He gets to watch TV and control the remote!

But then he has to go back to the base. He must leave what he loves to return to what he hates. He must submit to authority. He must experience the horror and fear that is war. How does he do it?

He must just readjust. I guess because even war and all that bad stuff has its good moments. Maybe he takes comfort in the few benefits. Sure he would rather be home, but he has made friends in his unit. He is constantly seeing and learning new things.  He readjusts because has made a commitment. He has no other choice. He has to honor his contract. He has to complete his tour of duty and make it out alive.

So there you have it internet. I have just compared my life to that of a soldier fighting in Iraq. And that, people, has made me laugh out loud!  Could I be any more self-centered???

See, I told you the light is starting to shine though the clouds. I am readjusting.

I thought of these words today and they resonated with me. "To everything there is a season." Then I remembered that Bruce Springsteen has sung those words, too. It was here in Orlando when Roger McGuinn came on stage to perform "Turn, Turn, Turn" with him. You can download the video from iTunes if you would like to see it. It seems almost too connected not to take it to heart.

I also read this entry and this entry from one of my favorite blogs and felt better knowing that I am not the only mother to ever feel that all this work might not be greatest thing I ever do.  Motherhood and marriage is hard and sometimes it totally sucks.

Or maybe I'm just hormonal.

P.S. I hate going on school field trips, too.

Comments

[Allison]

This is too weird. I called Trey crying yesterday morning and all I could say was, "I am unhappy. I am unhappy." And what I meant was everything you just wrote.

[Maria]

Your soldier`s story missed a part that is the key: Nobody forced him to be a soldier. He knew what he was doing and going to.Even when he went home for a week, he knew that he must come back to the war. Perhaps he chose to enjoy that wonderfull week specially the last day just living one day at the time. I`m sure that he knows that he makes everything work well, so he can honor his country as a soldier, and his family as an excellent member of it.
Please kiss the boys for me
I love you and really sorry that you feel like that

[Cameron]

Oh, my dear friend! I'm simultaneously refreshed by your honesty and so sad for you.

I'm going with the Bloom analogy. You're planted, alright? Firmly planted. And maybe the soil is pretty crappy soil, full of clay. You're trying to bloom, but it's just HARD. It's using up every bit of energy you have just trying to bloom, and it's half-hearted and your leaves are all wilty. You're so tired of all the work it takes to bloom this little crappy bloom! SCREW IT.

Just when you think things couldn't get crappier, a dog poos right next to you. The rain falls softly. The poo filters into the soil and the minerals fertilize you. The sun shines brightly. The bees buzz around and collect your pollen and fertilize you at the same time (don't freak out, the fertilization is only metaphoric :)). It gets easier and easier to bloom. You're so colorful and beautiful that someone wonders what you could be with more help and adds some Miracle Grow. And you become even more gorgeous than ever before.

The Moral of the Story: You can't do it alone, or at least not the way that you've been doing it. Trying to continue in the same way that you know doesn't work--well, it makes you a wanker. :) You need to find your soft rain and your warm sun. You need to find your Miracle Gro. You might even need to find a gardener. But don't for one second think that you have to continue blooming in hard, hard, dry, clay-filled soil. We're all here to help you in whatever way we can.

Love you!