Lots of rambling in this post, so if you are short on time or sick of my self indulgence, may I suggest Hulu.com that has all kinds of sketches from Saturday Night Live that you may have missed.
I got a lot of feedback from my last post from people concerned that I regret my decision to return to the States and marry Gary 20 years ago. It made me smile. This is why Robert Frost's poem is so perfect.
I remember discussing it at length in a college course. Robert Frost did not regret the path he chose. He was simply pointing out a time where he had to make a decision and what went into making that decision. I guess the ambiguity lies in the last phrase "and that has made all the difference." I believe that he is simply saying that at the time, which path to chose did not seem like such a big question, but further down the road, he realizes that it changed his life.
Robert Frost and I both came to a point that a decision needed to be made. The decision was made and that was that. No regrets, just maybe the occasional "what if?"
If I knew then what I know now, I may have made a different decision. That DOES NOT mean I'm sorry that I married Gary and had three children. It means that I have more information now to make my decision.
If I honestly put myself back at on that bus in 1990, I can predict a little of what would have happened on that road not taken. I would have been MISERABLE and broken hearted about losing Gary. I would have been an illegal immigrant, so I would have probably taken a job at a restaurant or bar where I could be paid in cash. I would have tried to find a job with an American company so that I would be legal, but that would have been difficult if not impossible. I had a college degree, but it was in English. I had no idea what I wanted to do. My career as a graphic artist came after I was in the U.S. and married.
I would have probably "fallen in love" and married relatively quickly. That's because, at that time, I thought I needed a man to prove that I am worthy. Most likely, it would not have been an Englishman, but an Australian or New Zealander. For some reason, I didn't meet many Brits. I'm not sure where it would have gone after that.
At 41, I am 10,000 times stronger than I was at 21. Or rather, I was really strong then, I just didn't know it. I had so much to learn about myself. I guess part of the reason I loved London so was that that was where my journey to find myself began.
I left my boyfriend, my parents and my friends and lived across the ocean. My life there was completely different than my life in Tallahassee. I was considered attractive in London. Apparently, I was not too fat (like in the U.S.). I had attention from men that I have NEVER had before. Actually, it made me more than a little uncomfortable. I had no experience with it. But I can't say I didn't like it!
There is so much power in feeling attractive. Some women have always felt it and take it for granted. Others take much longer to figure it out. Unfortunately, some women never know that power. IT'S NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE UGLY. They just never let themselves believe they have the power. They turn men's heads too. They just never notice.
I was also treated differently by adults. My professors liked me and we became friends. In Tallahassee, I was one of thousands. In London, I was one of a few. I was also older than the rest of my classmates (only by a year!). Most of them were only interested in drinking and partying. They were legal to buy alcohol in London. I was already 21 and had gotten most of that out of my system. I was actually interested in what my professors had to say. I was invited to socialize with them as well as faculty from other schools. While I didn't feel like a peer to them, I felt respected and that felt good.
So in the United States in 1990, Lori = fat, unattractive, lazy, immature, LOADS of baggage. In the UK in in 1990, Lori = beautiful, desirable, smart, responsible, all her baggage back in the US. Can you see now why it was hard to leave?
But I left because of the exception. I went home to Gary who treated me like London treated me. To him, I was beautiful, desirable, smart and irresponsible enough to be cute. I still believed that I had to have a man to feel that way. Of course, I no longer feel that way. Now I just feel lucky to have a man that has stayed with me while I grew up.
So here is the question of the chicken or the egg. Did I feel better about myself because London treated me so well or did London treat me well because I started feeling better about myself? I really believe that London treated me well because it is a more open minded, liberal, melting pot of a city. I thrived there. I have been to many American cities since my time in London and have not been treated the same way I was treated in London. And when I returned to her some 19 years later, she welcomed me back with open arms. Once again, I cried when I left.
My body lives in Florida, but my soul lives in London. After all I have just told you, can you blame me? Now if I could just get Gary to move there....